Mood: anti-contentment

I hate the word "content"    Not upset, not happy just...stale.
Stale is a word best used when referring to bread,  not humans. Especially humans who follow Christ.
Jump up and down, Scream your heart out, Fall to your knees!
Just do something.
I'm sitting here, thinking  I'd love to have my room clean, practice my flute, make pancakes for breakfast, and live my life.
But instead I'm just sitting here because I'm "content" with it.
Here's my list, I don't know a time frame for it...but here's a list.

-make all state band
-make cookies
-meet Glen's friends
-have a kickass time with Dani
-write a song
-learn more on guitar
-play piano
-finish reading Dear John
-organize my school stuff
-have my room clean
-look pretty, try new make up tricks?
-happy.

Complete?

A few months back I gave my blade away
thought it was a good idea
figured I would be okay
I realized...I was wrong

I'd never been without it
not ever since I started
didn't even matter that its been months since I quit
I was lost...

I read my bible night after night
I clung to my journal
afraid I'd lose the a fight I already won
truly, I was lost.

It turns out I'm not as strong as I thought
my faith is my life, God is my rock
but stuck I was, in fear caught
Really, I couldn't do it alone

and then I met you
got pulled back to positivity
divided fallen, together stand proud
Thanks for given me a brighter reality.

Opinions...Not Answers

The black text is a blog of my exchange sisters questions that she probably wrote in frustration sometime...
my responses are in color


how do two people know that the chemistry between them is right?
When I see his face, hear his voice, or feel his touch, the constant struggle of life melts away. I don't have to impress him or act my best to be perfect. I can just be me...but just as importantly...He can just be him.


 is there anything different in the looks they exchange? and if so, how do they know that?
It's more than just a look. It's understanding, it's secrets, it's laughter, it's memories, it's longing, it's...love.
you just know.
 does anything special happens in their brains?
heart, i've tried to use my brain first and it does not work


 and why do people fall in love with the people they fall in love with and not with others? 
those that we love are special, they are trusted and they are rare. There's only so many out there, everyone can't love everyone


it's the chemistry between them, right?
 but WHY is it so? 
it's a circle.


 or how do we know that people we see are beautiful?
 or ugly? 
nobody taught us whom to find pretty.Actually american society corrupts what's pretty and ugly for most people. It happens subconciously while living here
it's our mind. but WHY? WHY?


 i really want to know that.

Cliche?

You know how people say that certain events or moments change everything, such as oh I don't know your entire outlook on life?

well, what about when it's a song you've had on your ipod for two years, listened to a thousand times, but now you'll never be able to hear it again without smiling and thinking only about one person.

you have no idea how much that made smile, I almost cried tears of joy? and then I was like bam, I miss you. thank god tomorrow is wednesday.

So now, we have a song because I honestly fell in love with the words because they have a whole new meaning.
Kind of like I do,  because even with imperfections-if the pieces fit, they fit.

Honestly, I'm done labeling relationships. Done. Done. Done.
because I'd rather just be us.

Rain, Rain come to stay.

a pencil to a paper
no move towards a thought
I listened for His voice
to tell me what to do

I took a breath 
just to fill the void

until I heard the rain
with the rhythm of it's drops
it washed away the pain
from all day days before I knew
that we were more than friends

It's still raining now
and I'm starting to believe
that fuckups even you and I 
can find a reason not to cry

to drop the blade
and lose the lighter
running to our savior, Christ
hand in hand to a future brighter

I miss...us

I miss us.
The us when we first met.
The us when we sitting cross legged on a playground in the middle of the night facing each other.
The us that came first, not whenever convenient.
The us when we were IN love along with loving each other.
The us...the us that was you and me.
Mistakes, Regrets, Choices, and Life. Sometimes there are no second chances...or third...or tenth.
But just because I know it'll never happen again.

I miss when you would hold my hand in front of anyone. All I need right now is to hold you hand.

Jump. Scream. Dance. Live.

Sing It Loud concert was amazing last night. 

 Between Bead, Kelsie, Bryn, Gerlie, and Maddy I was with friends.  I got a picture with the bassist, Nathan Flynn-->

I also got autographs from Pat Brown (Lead Singer)
and Nathan Flynn (Bassist)  I am hoping to go see their last show in the cities on October 9th at Station 4.

All in All.
Jumping.
Screaming.
Dancing.
are my preferred way of Living.

Who is the worthiest dance partner?

It is Jesus. My Savior.  He will not let me lose balance or fall.
He will not let me get distracted and lose count.
He will not allow me to get hurt beyond healing.
He will keep me grounded while teaching me how to fly.
He will show me love, mercy, and grace.
He is my Savior.
He is my partner in the dance of life.

See that place?

See that place? The Country in red. That's Liberia. and I'm going there.  This Winter.

I am going first and foremost to serve my Lord God and spread his word and love. Making lasting friendships and deep impressions hopefully.
We don't yet know what city exactly or what type of work we'll be doing; but whatever the tasks I am so grateful to have such an opportunity to serve!

Also, we are selling bracelets and have fundraisers coming up to help offset the cost. If interested in supporting us, please let me know!

I am going on this trip of a lifetime with my best friend and sister in Christ; Dani Langowski.

You can reform, but you can't change.

Once you cut yourself, you are ALWAYS a cutter.  You may not always practice it, in fact you may stop cutting completely. But if you are the type of person (Me) that has turned to that ever, you are a CUTTER.

I don't care if no one else agrees with me, I will always believe that. When it comes to myself anyway.

Who determines valued reasons for self-harm anyway?  "Oh that girls just doing for attention, how pathetic"----"Oh, look at him I feel so bad for his suffering"

Who gave you the right to call her pathetic? Even if you know her,  you're not in her head.

It's a constant fucking struggle. 

(Is it really that obvious that I missed a couple anti-depressant dosages?)

Anywho...

I am becoming okay with the concept of Drivers Ed.  Three hours of forced boredom equals homework done in a timely fashion and without distraction. Also, the closer I get to my license the closer I am to not relying on mis padres para manejar.

*if you can't understand that, use a translator online. I'm not going to retype what I said in English*

I started the book "The House on Mango Street" for english class. I love it, for those of you who enjoy random, deep reads...I recommend. Also, it's very quick..I'm more than half way through it after only 45 minutes.

Assumptions are bad, don't make them about me or my intentions. Ask...you'll usually be surprised.

I wish people asked people questions more often, because lack of communication and confusion is a major downfall of society. On every level.

I'm debating dropped Concert Choir in favor of daily Symphonic band. Don't worry, I'll wait til next tri to decide.

My mind is on auto-pilot because I'm strangely tired, so I just wrote about everything on my mind.

Espera que te gusta mi nota!

Who says I can't be artistic?

Today was a day just like any other day.

 Except a boy took my breath away, that hasn't happened to be in over a year. 

That boy gives me the motivation to be well whatever I'd like to be. 

Maybe I want to take pictures, love my style and paint paintings. 

What if I want to dance as beautiful as anyone else?

 Or maybe...what if I just want to enjoy being creative? 

Who cares who thinks I am not, as long as I believe?

You tell me my friend, because really all I am is questions.

I want...Magic

                                                                                                             But what is magic?  Is it music? Is  it craziness that we call life? What are we supposed to be doing?

What if...we acted like everything was easy?  The grades, the guys, the photos, the outfits, the talents, and the living. Came across as if we were never troubled not even flustered? Would that be "Magic"?            

What I'm trying to get at is I have no idea what I'm doing. I wish all those things were easy, but none of them are, at least not all the time, and never all at once. I was doing a little wishing today. Wishing that a certain someone would text me, but more importantly wishing I didn't care. Psh...a little secret? I cared. 

I wish I could enjoy fashion and photos and not seem to be copying the lifestyles of my friends...but there's not original thought anyway so why should it matter?  What if I tried the art I wanted, the styles I wanted, the risks I wanted...What if?

Tonight, I'm going to say that tomorrow I'm taking a risk with my outfit. A small step, but I'll make sure I post a photo. ; )